I AM DOING IT!! IT IS HAPPENING> :D


So- 2 weeks off work and I had lots of vast plans of things to do.

Things achieved-  started a diet- 5:2 plan. I intend to continue this. I don't know quite how its going to work with going to work and fasting.

I aim to try and fast on Tuesdays and Thursday- as these are my half days at work- so I can have breakfast and then miss lunch and have a dinner later on. Shouldn't be impossible to do this. If it is- I can do Thursdays and a weekend day instead.


Exercise- Did the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. Did really well with this- I've done 11 days now :D Only another19 to go.

Today I got back to running following my injury- how cool is that, and I JOGGED a 5k :D I didn't stop once and there were 2 hills goddamit.. Apart from the injury and 3 weeks off I feel bloody proud of myself that I kept going and have done a lot of dedicated training really. I'm not sure I would have been able to keep up for 5k jogging 9 weeks ago.

I met up with some friends. Rina, Jojo et.c
I did 2 OOH sessions, meaning I have just 2 more left to book and do :D
Started Audit.
I'm still feeling exhausted. I think its the healthy lifestyle changes that are impacting on my energy levels. Perhaps I need to give myself a break and take things easier.

So what is the plan Stan?

I admit- I'm feeling conflicted and stressed.

Back to work this week.
Goal 1 is to focus at work. To make it through and get all the tick boxes and hoop jumping completed.
Do PHQ this week. (It doesn't have to be great, it just has to be done)
Nag re MSF and in 4 weeks send out a second one. Query ask Gill about fact forgot to do the first one?
Get the bloody DOPS completed.
Write up some patient encounters.
Make a SMART PDP.


Need to sort out social life and fall in love with someone that makes me happy :D To do this aim to keep my diary, socialise more, get used to hanging out with people more, feel happier in my skin and radiate love and joy and confidence :D

WHY NOT!

The joy is in the ride not the outcome. I am so very blessed in many ways.
Courage darling, to be what you want to be- keep going down the road, keep moving and before long miracles might happen:D xxx

Hello world- or me to be precise

It has been 2 years since I wrote on this blog.. and things are much the same. Except- I'm nearly finished with Gp training and am in my final 6months and working as a GP.
I've been doing lots of singing and acting which I love in an amateur capacity.
I can drive and do drive!

I'm still living in the flat by myself.

I'm still lonely.
I'm still fat.


I'm not giving up- EVER…
Slowly and surely I WILL DO THIS.

Tomorrow is my birthday.
I have 3 things I really want… or really really want as the Spice girls would say for this year!!

1. To get a boyfriend and fall in love.
2. To get Thin and fit and feel good in my skin.
3. Qualify as a GP and find a manageable job.

(4) to write music and perform.


How?!?!
1. Socialise. Be pleasant. Stop putting myself down. Feel happier. GO OUT AND MEET HIM>
2. 5:2 Diet. 30 days shred. I want to be under TWELVE STONE by May. Thats a loss of 6-8lbs I believe which is totally achievable.
3. Keep working, keeping learning, do all the scary assessments that need completing.
Have 2 OOH to do, a PSQ, 2 MSFs, an audit, a few more DOPS and some Reflective entries to write up. Need to tidy up and upload the eportfolio to make sure I definitely pass my panel.

COME ON DARLING>>> YOU CAN DO IT :D

OPPORTUNITY STRIKES!!

How lucky am I, I have so many opportunities this year :D

Its gonna be great, I shall make it so and pray that those above grant it to me (I mean, ultimately I think theres a greater power controlling things and a greater plan, and I pray it does good things for me this year!)

Am absolutely shattered as worked for 12 hours today (long shift) and woke up at 4 this am as couldn't sleep.

Been doing my usual time wasting activities, internet and musing.

I start my Logic course this sunday.. yay!! So exciting.

Need to kick start my social life and sort out what i'm going to be doing for my party.

Did quite well on the intuitive eating front yesterday. Today failed a little, was more tired than hungry and wolfed everything down. However, I eat mostly home made food and did ok ish I think. It certainly wasn't a disaster day anyway!

Have blown up my laptop cable (again!) I thought something similar would happen.

Should really just sleep now!

Been thinking about doing something dramatic and symbolic to make a change, was considering a haircut, a cute Zooey Deschanel fringe for my hair. Its weird cos I always hated my fringe at secondary school and spent months growing it out. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe its really all a lot of rubbish and I should have just been me from the beginning instead of always trying to change and thinking those girls at school would like me better if I looked different- if I looked more like them anyway.

Urgh.. what a waste of a life, a waste of space..
I wish i'd just though.. hey.. this is what I AM and what I want and just embraced all of that while feeling good about myself.

I am DEFINITELY a success.

i've been on Facebook far too much , looking up the bitches and bullies that excluded me when I was a child.
But then, I never had the confidence and courage to stand up for myself without being aggressive ( I was always aggressive and liked playing the little lost child) this obviously didn't work out!

Its ridiculous cos by year 11 I Was getting to be far more confident and strong, and it just knocked me back going to that school.

anyway.. I am a success.
I am a bloody doctor for goodness sake. I've won prizes, I deserve to be loved.

What am I embarrassed about?
Somehow I feel to be rated and to have truly won and be in their league.. I should be married to someone gorgeous.. big cowboy hunk from the Nora Roberts novels where on earth are you?
Also, I'd like to be gorgeous.. slim and sexy and stunning.

I'm working on these things.
I'd also like to be erm.. musically fantastically talented, dare I say it famous? renown? Doing cool things and for them to be envious.
I want them to feel bad and be jealous and be sorry. Probably a pipe dream. But I can try. I will try. :D

Merry Boxing Day!

Its 11:10 in the morning, I'm still in bed..

Yes I know!!

Its not THAT bad, I am working in the hospital tonight.

I should get up and do something productive.

Keep wanting to workout, but then I A) feel lonely about working out by myself.
B) Feel that i'll further damage my Hip.

?!?!

Anyway, last night I decided on my New Years Resolutions.

2012:

Weight 11 stone
Size 12!! :D
12 youtube covers
12 original songs
12 collaborative songs
Boyfriend I love
work going well
Pass the DCH
Chill out in General
Take advantage of all opportunities and BE BRAVE.


Basically I want to change my mindset to a positive, productive and wonderful one. Or at least if the black demons of depression come along I want to be able to say hi to them and just continue doing the good work while acknowledging that I'm not feeling too happy.

I want to be slim, attractive, feel good in my own skin, be positive, be happy. THen use this feeling to move on in my job, in my passion for music and in my love life.

I'm not asking for miracles. I'm aiming for things that are within my grasp, but they aren't easy by any means.

But I AM GOING to Do them.

THIS IS 2012, THIS IS MY WONDERFUL YEAR :D

Pre xmas blues

Thought I would write myself a little pep talk

I'm home alone.. which always leaves me feeling blue

Tomorrow I'm out for Christmas day at my brother's fiancees family..

Why am I feeling blue?

I guess cos I am alone and lonely.
Cos music seems such a difficult game to play.
I am working nights next week.

But I guess things are really all fine.

Might go try to do some exercise in a minute.. Or find something inspiring to listen to while doing exercise!!


Oh just got called by some guy I've known, wanted to hang out.. I am very mean and said no, I'd rather sit and be miserable by myself!

Things to be grateful for:
Flat
Job
Money in Bank
Place to go for xmas
Lots of potentials


Computer :D
Gift, music,



Its all in my hands.. nobody else can do it for me.

Heres to a better 2012..
By better.. I mean better socially and romantically.. cos 2011 was pretty good for my career.


My ukulele is still going out of tune. It sucks that it takes ages to get better.

December 2011 Life Goals for the New Year.

Hey world! This is me!

Been bumbling along nicely.

This year I've accomplished a fair amount:D

Gp training scheme London, first choice job!
Passed one professional examination!
Started learning the ukulele.
Had a boyfriend.. dumped a boyfriend!!
Paid my bills :D
Didn't get too depressed.
Think I'm the same weight/ size as I started the year.
Bought Logic and a computer, started learning how to produce music.
Went to the Dr and started ix on my hip.
Enrolled on a music production course.


So lots of interesting and cool things there!!

I want 2012 to be so much better. This could be my year to do really well.
What do I want?
Well I think I know.

Job brings in the money. I want to make this a great success and be a really good Doctor. I'm bright, I'm hard working, I'm determined, I'm kind.

I want to get married. I do. I want the right guy for me. I'm prepared to do what I have to do to find him :D
He must be kind, the right soul, tall, attractive to me, interesting,intelligent, Jewish!! Come on mate where are you?

I want to write some cracking songs, produce them well, plug em and get some success in that department.

Those are the 3 things really. Apart from being happy, healthy, balanced, confident.

So please g-d .. this year I'd like to meet and keep the love of my life, get my job going well and get my music passion on a good road. Those 3 BIG things :D

I always believe in plans and goals.

So now I have the 3 big goals in place. Obviously lots of tiny goals make up those things.

HEALTH
I have been avoiding exercise after being very active and fit at the beginning of the year due to hip pain. However, that doesn't meant I can't lift weights/ do something. Yoga is ok too. I need to start this.
I eat too much. I'm going to start the Paul Mckenna method again as that worked really well last time. It also means, however, that I have to sort out my head too!

So I'm going to be slimmer and happier with my body by my birthday.
I used to feel comfortable with me, felt happy with the way things moved, fit in clothes et.c
I want that feeling back - Its time.


Anyway, I think there are some habits that could be really useful for me.

1. No more reading/ computer in bed. Bed= SLEEP only.. This is gonna be really tough to do.

2. Paul Mckenna eat when hungry rules et.c Put it on when get the bus every morning. That is SO easy to do! Why haven't I been doing it? Will keep me balanced.

3. Journal each day. Maybe do 5 mins on the laptop every morning. I should check in with myself when I get up/ go to bed to see how I am doing. Perhaps write stuff in on my iPhone? to upload to the computer. I don't know yet how it will all work!

4. Keep the flat and garden tidy. It makes me feel better and be organised and balanced about things.

I want to finish out the year feeling good about myself. Healthy, bien dans sa peau ! That French expression for feeling happy in one's own skin.

1 down, 12 to go

I did my time.. and now I'm doing it again!

Spent the day back on my old hospital ward at the big scary teaching hospital where I work, but that I am am rarely working at these days.

This is because I actually work 4 days a week at a little specialist hospital nearer to home but every friday I go back in to my old job as per the bosses request as they don't think I get enough general medicine experience otherwise

By the end of this job 4 months ago I was seriously miserable and wanted to be anywhere but in the hospital. I was counting down the days before I had to leave as it drew to an end. I hated doing nights and being so undersupported with all these sick patients to look after.

My Consultant gave me a terrible reference when I left and he didn't even know me. Also my first Registrar was a really nasty piece of work, he undermined me and made me lose even more confidence, I later found out lots of ppl have had a problem with him as he suffers from "small bald Indian man syndrome" my colleague told me today. He basically refuses to explain things, is patronising, passes the buck and isn't all that great a doctor. Anyway, the very same Consultant who gave me the shit reference was on the ward today.. yipee.. which also pissed me off. He smiled and said nice to see you then sent me off to help other drs (see he hates me!) I pretended to like him and was polite.

I kind of feel that if I didn't turn up on Fridays in future nobody would notice, things would still be ok. I could have one day off a week to write songs, go running and bake. That would be nice !

Saying that another Dr on the team tripped over non cleared up urine on the floor and has fractured her humerus. Apparently an awful fracture. It doesn't really surprise me as this girl is beyond skinny and her bones are probably all osteoporotic and fractured. So they might notice.. especially now I stupidly explained I would be at work every friday!


Just being in the place freaked me out. Obviously it is a hospital, so people are either slightly or very sick. The memories of being on nights and being alone and stressed by the responsibility and sheer volume of bleep calls and crash calls and patients needing clerking in and admitting to the hospital all came flooding back.
It made me think I made a very sensible decision in choosing to forego hospital medicine in lieu of a career as a general practitioner. I like GP life, I really like having a life! I don't think I am or want to be hard enough to be stressed out and in hospital every day. I'm just the wrong sort of personality for that. Pity I didn't figure this out 8 years ago right?! I could have changed my career and taken up music or teaching or something creative instead!!

I'm so glad I will one day be free from nights! I am so grateful I'll have an office to sit in. I am delighted I will be able to work part time and develop a work life balance and have flexibility.

The day was a bit pointless in terms of education. I ran around the hospital finding where all our patients had gone ( I say our patients when I've only met them all once.) They have a stupid system in the hospital where our acute ward has patients all over the place which means they get lost and its a pain to see everyone as you have to traipse all over the hospital finding them. The hospital is also massive and on 14 floors so I have to run up and down stairs or wait for lifts that are often out of order so only 4 of the 6 function and it takes a long time for one to come along.

I did tonnes of admin, wrote letters with medication on for GPs and for patients to take away with them from the hospital when we discharged them (discharge summaries) I wrote I don't know -5? ? Every one in the hospital I saw seemed to be query pulmonary emobolism ( blood clot in lung) and they all had negative scans so I sent them home. One lady I wasn't convinced that a normal ish scan was satisfactory as she still had chest pain, severly so, and I didn't know what it was. I was going to send her home despite her asking about the cause and still being quite concerned. Then the Registrar- ie a senior dr, who had orginially seen the patient asked about the diagnosis as she waqnted to follow up the case. She stated she thought something must be going on. So I called the Consultant on his mobile to ask but had to leave a msg- he didn't answer. I took the Registrar's comment as a warning not to screw up- an opportunity to seek help. I also decided to Assert myself. Especially since I'll never be working at this hospital with these doctors again. What do I care what happens? SO long as I pass the year and am deemed competent to continue practicing I'll be fine. I might as well be asserive and bold and ask for the help I need if it make me have peace of mind and patients be especially well looked after. Safety netting is crucial.

I bumped in the Consultant when walking out of the hospitalat 430 ( I figured I was still getting unbanded low pay so should work the same hours as I'm paid for normally) and then embarrassed myself forgetting the patient's name :s blood results :S and then misnamed the Registrar who I'd been talking to!?!? Oh dear. Its cos I always think he must hate me and thinks I'm awful that I get all worked up and then I really am awful!
At least the responsibility is no longer mine. I would have kept her in and tried some more Ix as the pain was ongoing and was a weird acute onset severe
pain. Maybe the boss will do the same thing and observe her for longer/ get a different scan.

The good news is I survived the day!

I made a mushroom stir fry thingy for dinner and eat loads tonight as feeling tired and low. I finished all the chocolate thingies I made yesterday.. absolutely delicious. The mushroom thing was based on a blog recipe for Chocolate COvered Katie's Mushroom Stroganoff.. amazing.

A was meant to come round for dinner but he overslept.. he may just be pissed I didn't reply to his txts.

I've ignored nice Italian bike mechanics txts to meet up.. cos A) I don't fancy him and B)I think he's not my sort of person and C) I keep ending up with relationships with ppl I don't fancy cos I can't say no and hurt ppl's feelings ... this has to stop.

Ex boyfriend's best friend said hi to me at work today.. I wonder if he knows I broke up with the ex boyfriend?? He must do.. Maybe it will mean he won't talk to me in future. Although I am supposed to still be friends with the ex boyf. I'm not sure how being friends with one's ex actually works.

Going to bed now.. tired..

Wrote a few new songs today.. I may get brave and post them.

Feel better for getting rid of all the vitriol and frustration by typing tonight.

I am sure I can do this job and be good at it. I just need to keep going and have the courage to do things that are difficult and to keep battling.

I found an old blog of mine from med sch days and I felt the same way then as now. I was scared of passing finals, of being a doctor and of making mistakes.. I do make errors, I am not a machine.

I want to listen to myself ,.. use intuition, and keep moving on. I am moving on up. Progress is happening. Slowly and Surely I will be who I want to be. :D