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I did my time.. and now I'm doing it again!

Spent the day back on my old hospital ward at the big scary teaching hospital where I work, but that I am am rarely working at these days.

This is because I actually work 4 days a week at a little specialist hospital nearer to home but every friday I go back in to my old job as per the bosses request as they don't think I get enough general medicine experience otherwise

By the end of this job 4 months ago I was seriously miserable and wanted to be anywhere but in the hospital. I was counting down the days before I had to leave as it drew to an end. I hated doing nights and being so undersupported with all these sick patients to look after.

My Consultant gave me a terrible reference when I left and he didn't even know me. Also my first Registrar was a really nasty piece of work, he undermined me and made me lose even more confidence, I later found out lots of ppl have had a problem with him as he suffers from "small bald Indian man syndrome" my colleague told me today. He basically refuses to explain things, is patronising, passes the buck and isn't all that great a doctor. Anyway, the very same Consultant who gave me the shit reference was on the ward today.. yipee.. which also pissed me off. He smiled and said nice to see you then sent me off to help other drs (see he hates me!) I pretended to like him and was polite.

I kind of feel that if I didn't turn up on Fridays in future nobody would notice, things would still be ok. I could have one day off a week to write songs, go running and bake. That would be nice !

Saying that another Dr on the team tripped over non cleared up urine on the floor and has fractured her humerus. Apparently an awful fracture. It doesn't really surprise me as this girl is beyond skinny and her bones are probably all osteoporotic and fractured. So they might notice.. especially now I stupidly explained I would be at work every friday!


Just being in the place freaked me out. Obviously it is a hospital, so people are either slightly or very sick. The memories of being on nights and being alone and stressed by the responsibility and sheer volume of bleep calls and crash calls and patients needing clerking in and admitting to the hospital all came flooding back.
It made me think I made a very sensible decision in choosing to forego hospital medicine in lieu of a career as a general practitioner. I like GP life, I really like having a life! I don't think I am or want to be hard enough to be stressed out and in hospital every day. I'm just the wrong sort of personality for that. Pity I didn't figure this out 8 years ago right?! I could have changed my career and taken up music or teaching or something creative instead!!

I'm so glad I will one day be free from nights! I am so grateful I'll have an office to sit in. I am delighted I will be able to work part time and develop a work life balance and have flexibility.

The day was a bit pointless in terms of education. I ran around the hospital finding where all our patients had gone ( I say our patients when I've only met them all once.) They have a stupid system in the hospital where our acute ward has patients all over the place which means they get lost and its a pain to see everyone as you have to traipse all over the hospital finding them. The hospital is also massive and on 14 floors so I have to run up and down stairs or wait for lifts that are often out of order so only 4 of the 6 function and it takes a long time for one to come along.

I did tonnes of admin, wrote letters with medication on for GPs and for patients to take away with them from the hospital when we discharged them (discharge summaries) I wrote I don't know -5? ? Every one in the hospital I saw seemed to be query pulmonary emobolism ( blood clot in lung) and they all had negative scans so I sent them home. One lady I wasn't convinced that a normal ish scan was satisfactory as she still had chest pain, severly so, and I didn't know what it was. I was going to send her home despite her asking about the cause and still being quite concerned. Then the Registrar- ie a senior dr, who had orginially seen the patient asked about the diagnosis as she waqnted to follow up the case. She stated she thought something must be going on. So I called the Consultant on his mobile to ask but had to leave a msg- he didn't answer. I took the Registrar's comment as a warning not to screw up- an opportunity to seek help. I also decided to Assert myself. Especially since I'll never be working at this hospital with these doctors again. What do I care what happens? SO long as I pass the year and am deemed competent to continue practicing I'll be fine. I might as well be asserive and bold and ask for the help I need if it make me have peace of mind and patients be especially well looked after. Safety netting is crucial.

I bumped in the Consultant when walking out of the hospitalat 430 ( I figured I was still getting unbanded low pay so should work the same hours as I'm paid for normally) and then embarrassed myself forgetting the patient's name :s blood results :S and then misnamed the Registrar who I'd been talking to!?!? Oh dear. Its cos I always think he must hate me and thinks I'm awful that I get all worked up and then I really am awful!
At least the responsibility is no longer mine. I would have kept her in and tried some more Ix as the pain was ongoing and was a weird acute onset severe
pain. Maybe the boss will do the same thing and observe her for longer/ get a different scan.

The good news is I survived the day!

I made a mushroom stir fry thingy for dinner and eat loads tonight as feeling tired and low. I finished all the chocolate thingies I made yesterday.. absolutely delicious. The mushroom thing was based on a blog recipe for Chocolate COvered Katie's Mushroom Stroganoff.. amazing.

A was meant to come round for dinner but he overslept.. he may just be pissed I didn't reply to his txts.

I've ignored nice Italian bike mechanics txts to meet up.. cos A) I don't fancy him and B)I think he's not my sort of person and C) I keep ending up with relationships with ppl I don't fancy cos I can't say no and hurt ppl's feelings ... this has to stop.

Ex boyfriend's best friend said hi to me at work today.. I wonder if he knows I broke up with the ex boyfriend?? He must do.. Maybe it will mean he won't talk to me in future. Although I am supposed to still be friends with the ex boyf. I'm not sure how being friends with one's ex actually works.

Going to bed now.. tired..

Wrote a few new songs today.. I may get brave and post them.

Feel better for getting rid of all the vitriol and frustration by typing tonight.

I am sure I can do this job and be good at it. I just need to keep going and have the courage to do things that are difficult and to keep battling.

I found an old blog of mine from med sch days and I felt the same way then as now. I was scared of passing finals, of being a doctor and of making mistakes.. I do make errors, I am not a machine.

I want to listen to myself ,.. use intuition, and keep moving on. I am moving on up. Progress is happening. Slowly and Surely I will be who I want to be. :D

I made it through the rain

Made It Through The Rain
Barry Manilow

We dreamers have our ways
Of facing rainy days
And somehow we survive

We keep the feelings warm
Protect them from the storm
Until our time arrives

Then one day the sun appears
And we come shining through those lonely years

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it throught the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

When friends are hard to find
And life seems so unkind
Sometimes you feel so afraid

Just aim beyond the clouds
And rise above the crowds
And start your own parade

'Cause when I chased my fears away
That's when I knew that I could finally say

I made it through the rain
I kept my world protected
I made it throught the rain
I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through

REPEAT CHORUS

I think I need to learn this one.

Depression

Low ebb at the moment. Am blogging to try to identify exactly what is wrong.

In fact, its very clear what is wrong.

I feel like I am stuck in a rut, not progressing, while everyone else gets married, has kids, passes exams, gets new jobs.. ie they are living. I'm not there yet. I come home, to home alone.. and try to find things to do to fill the hours.

Nothing much happened at work today.. Few patients to see, I sat and studied for a bit. I shouldn't complain but /I feel that I want to learn and become a really good Physician, but as much as I like to be "safe" and in a low pressure environment, I want to see and learn lots too so I'm as good as my colleagues. However, I think they are getting better experience in A and E et.c. Oh well. I did sit and do a few modules to learn about things- private study.

Had teaching this afternoon, was all on Tuberculosis and how it can manifest anywhere in the body and is hard to spot. Was very interesting, lots of stuff I'd forgotten or didn't ever know. Speaker was very good, bit intimidating as he was so knowledgeable.

I had been planning on rushing home to sleep or try to feel better, but realised I had my designated management session in the afternoon and thought I might as well go to this as I was already at the hospital. This was run by some cheeky ex army guy who now clearly makes his living from giving these leadership lectures to doctors. I'm not entirely sure how useful all this stuff is.

Anyway, it was all about conflict et.c and he made us fill out lots of questionnaires to work out our types.. I came out as Passive and then my fall back option was Aggressive. Not really surprising. The best one to be out of the 4 is apparently Assertive.. People like assertive people. I wasn't an avoidant person. I know its just a test and it depends on how you answer and how you feel on that particular day.

I fear it is quite accurate however. :S It made me start analysing things. I don't want to be passive.. I want to ask for and get what I want.

In the break I chatted to ppl and found out that the exam I had decided not to take as I chose to become a GP not a Paediatrician, is the same one as the exam I was planning to take next year.. that I needed to wait to sit. Confused? Well I thought a "diploma" was different to the full exam.. it is different, but only in that it is actually only the first half of the exam!! Hmm. So I could have done it in June. I was fuming. The next exam is in October. Anyway. I realised that its probably a good thing, it gives me longer to prepare and I will actually have had some proper Paediatric experience before starting the job. I Will have to consider starting studying now and making the most of all my free time.


The Tube was crap, took over an hour to get home from work as it kept stopping everywhere to even out gaps in the service. I mustn't complain, yesterday I was stuck 30 yards from my station for 1 hr 30 until the driver drove back to the next station along and I had to walk home.

Today I came home and ended up cooking! I found a fabulous recipe for vegan chocolate truffle type things and rushed out to buy ingredients, then ended up nearly breaking the blender trying to crush pecans. In the end they went into a plastic bag and were beaten up with my hammer as my blender isn't strong enough :D

The result- delicious cholately nutty date filled goodnes.. astonishingly delicious! The blog's author... Chocolate Covered Katie, is pretty amazing.

I played dance dance revolution.. I suck at that game, no coordination at all!

Then I looked on facebook and saw all the wonderful things everyone else is up to.. and saw some ugly photos of me looking fat with a massive head out of proportion to other people.. I feel I just look weird.

I called my best friend as in friend for life.. and she is being crap.. Its her birthday on Sunday which she invited me to over the phone.. almost like an afterthought. I mean, she is as disorganised as hell.. but even that is a bit crap. Another friend from a long time ago I sent a txt and a phone call and a fbook msg and she is ignoring me which makes me feel unloved and insecure.

My other friend who I phoned for a pep talk told me to Listen to Barry Manillow - I made it through the rain. Which I am,, it sort of helps.

I suppose I need to accept who I am. I was put on this Earth by someone to be me.. I look the way I was created to look, I think and behave in the way I will do as I have a personality, a character. I don't think I can completely overhaul me.. I need to accept myself and just be and then be braver and more assertive and more patient. My time will come.

I'm also scared about going back to work in the hospital in my old job again as I've not been in a hospital now for 5 months and I was terrible at that job anyway when I had it :( I guess on the bright side it will bring me back into acute medicine and that will mean going back to the hospital won't be such a shock to the system in the end.

I'm so happy to not have a crazy job 5 days a week like so many of my colleagues at present.


How do I start to like myself? Thats a question.

Hello, all about me :)

Hi

I am Rose and this is my blog!!

I have never been able to keep a diary or blog before- but this time I've decided to experiment for a month and see if I can do this.

Minimum of weekly blog updates.

Start with 20 things about me:
1.I am 26.
2.I am a Doctor.
3.I love love love music, I am a frustrated singer-songwriter.
4.I am seriously shy, but I love to perform and be on stage.
5.I have red hair and green eyes.
6.This blog is named as when I was a kid I had to come up with my Indian name and that was "Golden Girl" which I kind of like :D
7.I am frustratedly single at the moment, as of last month.
8.I have so many projects and things I want to do, currently want to get fit and healthy, learn to speak Hebrew, learn to play the guitar and learn to be a fantastic doctor- as well as finding a nice boyfriend!! Hah, no wonder I have no time.
9. I am very very determined and competitive.
10. I am kindhearted and want everyone to be friends!!
11. I am slightly obsessed with fitness and nutrition and am currently on a big health kick to get in shape.
12. I can play the piano by ear!
13. my favourite musical is Kiss Me Kate!
14. I need to learn to relax!!
15. I love cycling on my bicycle.
16. I like really bad music, The Corrs, The Beatles, Cyndi Lauper et.c
17. I love to dance... I dance really badly!
18. I have low "self assurance" apparently
19. I'm stubborn (goes along with determined)
20. I am lucky :D




I intend to just jabber on about my life on here. At the moment this involves trying to cope at work without looking like too much of an idiot, getting fit and healthy and lots of music. Hopefully some socialising will come into the mix.

I hope that by writing I will be able to help my mood- ah yes, forgot to say that I suffer from mild depression/ SAD or whatever euthymic disorder it might be. I feel the mists are clearing and I am finally on the road to recovery. :D