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I did my time.. and now I'm doing it again!

Spent the day back on my old hospital ward at the big scary teaching hospital where I work, but that I am am rarely working at these days.

This is because I actually work 4 days a week at a little specialist hospital nearer to home but every friday I go back in to my old job as per the bosses request as they don't think I get enough general medicine experience otherwise

By the end of this job 4 months ago I was seriously miserable and wanted to be anywhere but in the hospital. I was counting down the days before I had to leave as it drew to an end. I hated doing nights and being so undersupported with all these sick patients to look after.

My Consultant gave me a terrible reference when I left and he didn't even know me. Also my first Registrar was a really nasty piece of work, he undermined me and made me lose even more confidence, I later found out lots of ppl have had a problem with him as he suffers from "small bald Indian man syndrome" my colleague told me today. He basically refuses to explain things, is patronising, passes the buck and isn't all that great a doctor. Anyway, the very same Consultant who gave me the shit reference was on the ward today.. yipee.. which also pissed me off. He smiled and said nice to see you then sent me off to help other drs (see he hates me!) I pretended to like him and was polite.

I kind of feel that if I didn't turn up on Fridays in future nobody would notice, things would still be ok. I could have one day off a week to write songs, go running and bake. That would be nice !

Saying that another Dr on the team tripped over non cleared up urine on the floor and has fractured her humerus. Apparently an awful fracture. It doesn't really surprise me as this girl is beyond skinny and her bones are probably all osteoporotic and fractured. So they might notice.. especially now I stupidly explained I would be at work every friday!


Just being in the place freaked me out. Obviously it is a hospital, so people are either slightly or very sick. The memories of being on nights and being alone and stressed by the responsibility and sheer volume of bleep calls and crash calls and patients needing clerking in and admitting to the hospital all came flooding back.
It made me think I made a very sensible decision in choosing to forego hospital medicine in lieu of a career as a general practitioner. I like GP life, I really like having a life! I don't think I am or want to be hard enough to be stressed out and in hospital every day. I'm just the wrong sort of personality for that. Pity I didn't figure this out 8 years ago right?! I could have changed my career and taken up music or teaching or something creative instead!!

I'm so glad I will one day be free from nights! I am so grateful I'll have an office to sit in. I am delighted I will be able to work part time and develop a work life balance and have flexibility.

The day was a bit pointless in terms of education. I ran around the hospital finding where all our patients had gone ( I say our patients when I've only met them all once.) They have a stupid system in the hospital where our acute ward has patients all over the place which means they get lost and its a pain to see everyone as you have to traipse all over the hospital finding them. The hospital is also massive and on 14 floors so I have to run up and down stairs or wait for lifts that are often out of order so only 4 of the 6 function and it takes a long time for one to come along.

I did tonnes of admin, wrote letters with medication on for GPs and for patients to take away with them from the hospital when we discharged them (discharge summaries) I wrote I don't know -5? ? Every one in the hospital I saw seemed to be query pulmonary emobolism ( blood clot in lung) and they all had negative scans so I sent them home. One lady I wasn't convinced that a normal ish scan was satisfactory as she still had chest pain, severly so, and I didn't know what it was. I was going to send her home despite her asking about the cause and still being quite concerned. Then the Registrar- ie a senior dr, who had orginially seen the patient asked about the diagnosis as she waqnted to follow up the case. She stated she thought something must be going on. So I called the Consultant on his mobile to ask but had to leave a msg- he didn't answer. I took the Registrar's comment as a warning not to screw up- an opportunity to seek help. I also decided to Assert myself. Especially since I'll never be working at this hospital with these doctors again. What do I care what happens? SO long as I pass the year and am deemed competent to continue practicing I'll be fine. I might as well be asserive and bold and ask for the help I need if it make me have peace of mind and patients be especially well looked after. Safety netting is crucial.

I bumped in the Consultant when walking out of the hospitalat 430 ( I figured I was still getting unbanded low pay so should work the same hours as I'm paid for normally) and then embarrassed myself forgetting the patient's name :s blood results :S and then misnamed the Registrar who I'd been talking to!?!? Oh dear. Its cos I always think he must hate me and thinks I'm awful that I get all worked up and then I really am awful!
At least the responsibility is no longer mine. I would have kept her in and tried some more Ix as the pain was ongoing and was a weird acute onset severe
pain. Maybe the boss will do the same thing and observe her for longer/ get a different scan.

The good news is I survived the day!

I made a mushroom stir fry thingy for dinner and eat loads tonight as feeling tired and low. I finished all the chocolate thingies I made yesterday.. absolutely delicious. The mushroom thing was based on a blog recipe for Chocolate COvered Katie's Mushroom Stroganoff.. amazing.

A was meant to come round for dinner but he overslept.. he may just be pissed I didn't reply to his txts.

I've ignored nice Italian bike mechanics txts to meet up.. cos A) I don't fancy him and B)I think he's not my sort of person and C) I keep ending up with relationships with ppl I don't fancy cos I can't say no and hurt ppl's feelings ... this has to stop.

Ex boyfriend's best friend said hi to me at work today.. I wonder if he knows I broke up with the ex boyfriend?? He must do.. Maybe it will mean he won't talk to me in future. Although I am supposed to still be friends with the ex boyf. I'm not sure how being friends with one's ex actually works.

Going to bed now.. tired..

Wrote a few new songs today.. I may get brave and post them.

Feel better for getting rid of all the vitriol and frustration by typing tonight.

I am sure I can do this job and be good at it. I just need to keep going and have the courage to do things that are difficult and to keep battling.

I found an old blog of mine from med sch days and I felt the same way then as now. I was scared of passing finals, of being a doctor and of making mistakes.. I do make errors, I am not a machine.

I want to listen to myself ,.. use intuition, and keep moving on. I am moving on up. Progress is happening. Slowly and Surely I will be who I want to be. :D