Depression

Low ebb at the moment. Am blogging to try to identify exactly what is wrong.

In fact, its very clear what is wrong.

I feel like I am stuck in a rut, not progressing, while everyone else gets married, has kids, passes exams, gets new jobs.. ie they are living. I'm not there yet. I come home, to home alone.. and try to find things to do to fill the hours.

Nothing much happened at work today.. Few patients to see, I sat and studied for a bit. I shouldn't complain but /I feel that I want to learn and become a really good Physician, but as much as I like to be "safe" and in a low pressure environment, I want to see and learn lots too so I'm as good as my colleagues. However, I think they are getting better experience in A and E et.c. Oh well. I did sit and do a few modules to learn about things- private study.

Had teaching this afternoon, was all on Tuberculosis and how it can manifest anywhere in the body and is hard to spot. Was very interesting, lots of stuff I'd forgotten or didn't ever know. Speaker was very good, bit intimidating as he was so knowledgeable.

I had been planning on rushing home to sleep or try to feel better, but realised I had my designated management session in the afternoon and thought I might as well go to this as I was already at the hospital. This was run by some cheeky ex army guy who now clearly makes his living from giving these leadership lectures to doctors. I'm not entirely sure how useful all this stuff is.

Anyway, it was all about conflict et.c and he made us fill out lots of questionnaires to work out our types.. I came out as Passive and then my fall back option was Aggressive. Not really surprising. The best one to be out of the 4 is apparently Assertive.. People like assertive people. I wasn't an avoidant person. I know its just a test and it depends on how you answer and how you feel on that particular day.

I fear it is quite accurate however. :S It made me start analysing things. I don't want to be passive.. I want to ask for and get what I want.

In the break I chatted to ppl and found out that the exam I had decided not to take as I chose to become a GP not a Paediatrician, is the same one as the exam I was planning to take next year.. that I needed to wait to sit. Confused? Well I thought a "diploma" was different to the full exam.. it is different, but only in that it is actually only the first half of the exam!! Hmm. So I could have done it in June. I was fuming. The next exam is in October. Anyway. I realised that its probably a good thing, it gives me longer to prepare and I will actually have had some proper Paediatric experience before starting the job. I Will have to consider starting studying now and making the most of all my free time.


The Tube was crap, took over an hour to get home from work as it kept stopping everywhere to even out gaps in the service. I mustn't complain, yesterday I was stuck 30 yards from my station for 1 hr 30 until the driver drove back to the next station along and I had to walk home.

Today I came home and ended up cooking! I found a fabulous recipe for vegan chocolate truffle type things and rushed out to buy ingredients, then ended up nearly breaking the blender trying to crush pecans. In the end they went into a plastic bag and were beaten up with my hammer as my blender isn't strong enough :D

The result- delicious cholately nutty date filled goodnes.. astonishingly delicious! The blog's author... Chocolate Covered Katie, is pretty amazing.

I played dance dance revolution.. I suck at that game, no coordination at all!

Then I looked on facebook and saw all the wonderful things everyone else is up to.. and saw some ugly photos of me looking fat with a massive head out of proportion to other people.. I feel I just look weird.

I called my best friend as in friend for life.. and she is being crap.. Its her birthday on Sunday which she invited me to over the phone.. almost like an afterthought. I mean, she is as disorganised as hell.. but even that is a bit crap. Another friend from a long time ago I sent a txt and a phone call and a fbook msg and she is ignoring me which makes me feel unloved and insecure.

My other friend who I phoned for a pep talk told me to Listen to Barry Manillow - I made it through the rain. Which I am,, it sort of helps.

I suppose I need to accept who I am. I was put on this Earth by someone to be me.. I look the way I was created to look, I think and behave in the way I will do as I have a personality, a character. I don't think I can completely overhaul me.. I need to accept myself and just be and then be braver and more assertive and more patient. My time will come.

I'm also scared about going back to work in the hospital in my old job again as I've not been in a hospital now for 5 months and I was terrible at that job anyway when I had it :( I guess on the bright side it will bring me back into acute medicine and that will mean going back to the hospital won't be such a shock to the system in the end.

I'm so happy to not have a crazy job 5 days a week like so many of my colleagues at present.


How do I start to like myself? Thats a question.